F.R.O.G.

I'm usually that girl that can make myself hold it together in most circumstances. I don't like to show emotion, I hate for people to see me cry, and I prefer people to think that I'm always doing just fine. Usually that just works for me and I'm sure to some extent I'll always be that way. That's just who I am. This weekend however, I've been really having a hard time holding it together. Not an easy thing for me to admit and if you were to walk up to me and ask, I would tell you we're doing great. If I'm doing great there's no reason to cry, no reason to be angry, no reason to show any emotion other than happiness. I don't think emotions are a weakness by any means, but I prefer to be happy so I force myself to be. Unfortunately, happiness is not at the front of my mind right now.

This past weekend I learned that a very good friend of ours, more like family to us, was injured in Afghanistan. I'm not going to include any details because it's not my place, but this affected me more than I could have ever thought. I know being married to a soldier and having so many military friends that it's a possibility for something to happen to someone I love, but knowing that and having it become reality are two different things. It's not something anyone can prepare themselves for. After six years of military life and two full deployments behind us, I haven't personally known any soldier that has been injured or worse. Maybe it made the back of my mind a little naive to think that anything could happen to someone I love. Reality really hits hard when it does. These emotions come to the surface that I couldn't suppress no matter how hard I try. I haven't even told our kids yet because I can't hold it together enough. I know how much they love him and it's going to really hit them hard too. Plus I don't want this to worry them even more about their daddy being gone. This is an occasion when I'm going to have to Fully Rely On God to give me the words to explain this to them. I'm going to have to pray that He can make our kids understand and that He can bring peace to their hearts, as well as mine and my husbands. What's worse is that my husband and I don't have each other to lean on right now. I know as a soldier he is fully aware of the risks, not only to himself but his friends. I also know how close he is to this soldier and that he's also hurting inside. I would give anything to be there for him and to hold him close. It makes it that much harder for me that it's impossible for me to be there. This is just another instance when I have to Fully Rely On God to comfort him and to bring peace to his heart. I believe that God allows things to happen to us for a reason and that He will always bring us through it if we turn to Him. I know that God has bigger and brighter plans for our friend and I Fully Rely On God to take care of our friend and to help him recover. No matter how much I wish I could be there next to my friend, my husband, and even my children and to make it all better, I do know the best thing I can do is to turn it all over to God and let him take control of everything. There really isn't anything I can do about any of it no matter how much I wish there was. The best thing to do is to let go and let God.

On top of all of this tonight my daughter got her heart broken once again. All she wanted to do was play with her friends and once again I found her sitting outside crying. It just breaks my heart that this happens to her every time she goes out to play. She tries so hard to play with everyone and to be friends with everyone, but it seems that's just not possible and it only gets her feelings hurts. She's frequently been told "If you're my friend you can't be her friend", "If you play with her I won't like you anymore", "Play with me or I won't be your friend"... You get the picture. I've even personally heard one of the girls out my window saying mean things to another one of her friends about my daughter, but then she went and denied it to her mom. That wasn't too long after we moved in so I let it go and didn't want to start anything as the new family in the neighborhood. I try and try to just stay out of it and let them work it out because how else will they learn. My thinking was that if I continually step in that would only make it worse and it would make my girls think they can always rely on me to make it better instead of learning how to deal with it on their own. I won't always be there to make it better so they have to learn. Tonight was the last straw for me. After over a year of dealing with this, I'm completely and utterly done with it. I'm so thankful for a daughter that can forgive and forget and go right out and play some more, but a person shouldn't have to deal with the same thing over and over. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to go and put yourself right back into that same situation time and time again. It's time for her to move on. It makes it that much harder that she gets along with most of them but when one specific kid comes out everything falls apart. It seems everyone competes to be her friend. She's the one I heard being mean so I just can't figure all of that out. I'm sad that my daughter will have to stay inside or go somewhere else to play because she treasures her friends, but enough is enough and it's time this ends. God will bring other friends into her life that will treat her with kindness no matter the situation. I just have to Fully Rely On God to help her understand and to help her make the right choices. I believe that God brings people into our lives for a reason or a season. Some become true forever friends and sometimes it's intended for us to move on. It's a hard lesson for a little girl to learn, but God will guide her through.

As your reading this, please take a minute to say a prayer for our friend, for my husband, for my kids, and even for me. I'm going to choose to go to bed tonight counting all my blessings and praising God for everything in our lives, including our heartache and trials. There's a reason behind it all and this too shall pass. God is good all the time and He will never change!