The Beginning Of Our Year Long Deployment

I can't recall a time when I have faced so many different emotions in a single day. Yesterday morning I woke up so happy that my husband was still next to me, with his arms around me. We didn't get much sleep knowing that it would be our last night together for a very long time. We just layed there in each others arms talking and trying to engrave the night in our brains, hoping that we can keep that memory until we are back together again. I don't want to forget the way I feel so safe and warm with his arms around me, or the way he smells, or the sound of his voice, or the look and sparkle of his beautiful blue eyes, and his happy smile. I just want to be able to close my eyes and see him at any point throughout my day. I want to be able to feel his warmth when I lay down to sleep each night. I don't want any of it to fade.

Throughout the day at any mention of the fact that it was the dreaded day I was brought to tears. I just couldn't hold them back. I wanted so desperately to be strong for my husband and for our kids, but I just couldn't stop the flow of tears. It's hard enough to be strong for myself, but to see my kids brought to tears and the sadness on their face knowing that they can't hug their dad for a long time just breaks my heart. Seeing my husband be so strong for all of us yet knowing that he too is hurting at the thought of being away. Seeing on his face that the smile he's showing is forced in effort of helping the kids and I feel better made me even more sad. It was not a good day for any of us.

We showed up to the quad around noon and sat in the car until time for him to report for weapons draw, 30 minutes later. We sat around after that just waiting since he wasn't allowed to leave with his weapon. We had no idea how long we'd be there waiting, however I was hoping the whole time that the day wouldn't ever end and that those dreaded buses would get lost on their way. Had I know it would take so long, very different from our last two experiences with deployment, I would have packed us a lunch. Instead I ended up running to the food court so we wouldn't all starve. The whole time I was rushing around praying that I wouldn't miss a second more with my husband than necessary. When I got back I hadn't missed a thing. Everyone was still sitting around waiting. We ate our Subway, pizza for Tristan, and proceded to sit and wait. I sat next to my husband the whole time just holding on to him and not wanting to ever let go. They finally called them for accountability formation so we walked over with him and I couldn't take my eyes off of him for a minute. After they released them, we sat around and waited some more. Part of me just wanted to get it over with and the other part of me just wanted to hang on to him for dear life. As they were called for final formation before loading the bus, we said our I love you's and watched him as he stood there with his fellow soldiers. It wasn't very formal and families were entering the formation for one last hug from their soldiers so I let Syd run to her daddy for a final hug. Of course I took the opportunity to hold on to him one last time also. I didn't care about formalities I just wanted his arms around me one last time. We walked in line with him to the bus and snuck in one last kiss before finally we just had to turn and walk away. The girls were sobbing and holding on to me as I was holding on to them for comfort also. I could feel my soldier's eyes on us as we walked away. My heart just sank as we drove home without the man that glues our family together. As soon as we walked in the door I lost it. The girls sat down on the couch with me and we cried together. Tristan just quietly went up to his room to play his xbox. I know he was hurting, but he was trying to be strong and deal with it in his own way so I just let him be. A little while later we headed to bed. The girls didn't want to be alone, and frankly neither did I, so they crawled into my bed to cuddle with mommy. My thoughtful husband secretely sprayed his cologne around our bedroom before we left to drop him off, so I drifted off to sleep with the scent of him in the air and on my pillow...

"Stronger" by Mandisa

God always knows when I need some words of encouragement and He always comes through for me. I was frustrated this morning, thinking about why the army insists on my husband being at work when he will soon be leaving with them for a year. I just want him to be home with his family, as I know he'd rather be home too. However, I also know that what I want isn't always what's best. There's a reason he needs to be at work. God has plans for our lives that are so much bigger than we can imagine. Even though we are going through a rough time right now, we will emerge in the end so much stronger. We'll be closer to God, closer as a family and stronger as individuals. Sometimes, like this morning, I lose sight of the fact that life isn't about what I want, but about what God has planned for me. God always has a way of bringing me back to reality. This song, "Stronger" by Mandisa, started playing on the radio. As we pulled up to the quad for Trint to report to work, I gave him a kiss and drove off with a smile on my face, knowing that God is with both of us and things will get better. We just have to hold on to our faith, our hope, and our love for each other. God will always get us through!

 

        STRONGER

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

Change of Plans

We were just notified this evening that my husbands deployment date has been changed. It's been moved closer by two days. I know two days doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, but that's two days less that we have together as a family before he's gone for 12 months. I'm still in limbo about how I feel about this. Not that it matters because I don't have any say in the matter anyways. Of course I don't want him to leave at all, but regardless, it's happening. I've been saying that I just want it to be over with and to get the homecoming countdown started so I guess I'm getting my wish. I'm just not ready for this yet. I don't think any of us are really ever ready for a deployment. We just take a deep breath and do what we have to do. I know that God is in control and whatever plans He has for us in the next year are what's best for our family. In that sense I'm okay with this whole thing, the date change and the deployment in general. I know that God will see us through it and in the end we'll be a stronger family for what we have to face in the year to come.

FAQ

Here's my answer to a question I have been asked more than a couple of times. "Are you going home while Trint's deployed?"  I understand that everyone is at a different place in their lives and everyone faces different circumstances so don't in any way think that I feel everyone should choose the same as me. I have friends that have gone home for deployments and I respect that. This answer is purely my answer based on my feelings of where my family is at right now and what is best for my family.

We are staying right where we are during this deployment as we did for the two previous ones. There are multiple reasons why. First of all, this is our home. My husband, my children and myself moved here over a year ago and this is where we consider home. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. We have made a life for ourselves here. My kids are happy in school, they have made some great friends here as I have too, we have an amazing church family, my sgo ladies are fabulous, and I love teaching my kid's church class. That's just a few of the things that make this home. Another reason is that I feel my kids have to be uprooted all too often. They have to leave friends behind and adjust to different schools enough that I don't want to add another move that isn't necessary. They do amazingly well with moving and seem to actually enjoy the experience, but it is stressful so why put them through it again. (Why put myself through it. Hehe) Thirdly, after this deployment we still have at least one more year here at Schofield. If I were to move back, we'd have to clear housing just to go through the whole moving process again to come back in a year. I certainly don't feel like being stuck in a hotel again while waiting on a house. Please don't take this last reason to heart or feel like I'm bashing anyone who does move back because there are clearly circumstances that make it best to move back. This is just how I feel about my family. My kids are old enough now that they have found their independance so I don't feel I need any help in taking care of them beyond what my friends that are here with me can provide. I don't very often ask anyone for help with my kids and never really have, except of course for my parents and my husbands mom. That really doesn't count though because more often than not they were the ones asking if they could have them even when we didn't have any reason for a sitter. Plus the fact that their are three of them and that's a lot to ask of someone to keep all of them. I should know. I'm the mom that would take them all with me everywhere. If I needed gas (no pay at the pump then) I would pump the gas, unbuckle all three of them, drag them into the gas station to pay, only to return to the car and buckle them all back in again. When we needed groceries, I was the mom with a full cart, a baby in the front of the cart and two little ones trying to go in different directions. Of course Trint helped when he could, but I usually did all this when he was at work or sleeping because he had the night shift. Off track...back to my answer. Again don't take this the wrong way, I don't feel there's anything wrong with having a sitter or having help with your kids. This is just how I feel for me. I've never faced a deployment with 3 kids at home all the time because by the time my husband joined the army two of our kids were already in school. I only had the youngest at home. By the time the second deployment rolled around all three of them were in school so I had me time to relax and regroup. This time our oldest is 13, turning 14 before dad gets home, so I can count on him to stay with the other two if necessary. My kids are awesome, they can pretty much do everything that it takes to run our house without me even here. They can cook, clean, do laundry, do dishes, mow the yard... Of course I always have to ask several times before these things usually get done, but if it came down to it, they are capable. When they see I don't feel well they usually pitch in with no complaints so if I were to get sick they would take care of everything, including me. So as you see, we have no reason to do anything else besides keep on living our lives on the beautiful island of Oahu.

Add to all of this that God is the center of our lives and it doesn't seem to be in His plans for my kids and I to move back. Really it's all about Him and what he has planned for us. I feel if it were in our best interest to be anywhere but here, then God would reveal to us what we needed to do. So for now, good or bad, Hawaii is stuck with the Guyett family! ;-)

About Time

We finally got Trint's leave date yesterday. In some ways it's a relief to finally know when he's leaving. On the other hand, it really brings it all to reality. Yesterday was not such a great day for me. I was on the verge of tears pretty much all day. I really wish I could figure out why it's affecting my emotions so much more this time. I just don't get it. We've gotten through two deployments without any major catastrophies.

I think the worst thing that has happened on a deployment, that I can remember anyhow, would be our lawn mower going out on me.  I had a fabulous friend, Stephanie (love you Steph), that helped me fix it twice before it decided on the third time to just not start at all. We were at Ft. Hood so all I had to do was drive to lawn and garden and check one out for the day. Not a major deal at all considering really all I had to do was take orders to housing and they would have came to mow it for me during the deployment anyhow. I had options. I just decided to do it myself because I'm stubborn like that. If I'm capable of doing it myself than I will not ask for help. God gave me arms, legs and a healthy body so I may as well use them. The only thing other than that was last deployment when my beautiful Grandma passed away. God was working on our side then too. Trint was home for r&r when that happened so I didn't have to go through that alone. What an awesome God we serve!

Of course I hate being away from my husband and I hate that he has to experience the hardship of being away in such harsh conditions. My concern is for him. I can handle whatever is thrown my way back here. I have friends, family, church and army resources if anything should come up. On the other hand, my husband is on the other side of the world facing who knows what on a daily basis. He's really the one about to face the unknown, not the kids and I. It doesn't help that I'm the type of person that likes to know what's going on and to be there for my husband. I can't possibly do that to my liking from thousands of miles away. My husband is the type that wants to protect my feelings and keep me from worrying so he doesn't ever let on if things are bad over there either. I suppose that's for the best, but sometimes I wonder what really is happening with him. It's just a bunch of mixed emotions all the way around.

Regardless of anything else, I have the security that God is in control and he won't throw anything our way that we can't handle. "For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Emotions

When an army wife tells you that each and every deployment is different, they aren't even kidding. My husband hasn't even left yet and the emotional rollercoaster ride has already begun. I should have at least another week of sanity according to previous experience. You would think that after going through this twice already I would know what to expect. Instead, I really have no idea what to expect. I don't remember feeling this way before either of the past deployments, not at this point anyhow. I'm so not ready to take this on again. Part of me just wants to prolong these last couple weeks and the other part of me wants him to leave already and to get this over with. The sooner he leaves, the sooner he comes home. My emotions are all over the place. When he walks in the door after work each day, I'm so happy and greatful that he's still here. When he leaves for work each morning, it brings to reality that soon he will be walking out these doors and not coming back at the end of the day. Then there's all our friends that ask "So, when's he leaving", on a regular basis, and friends that want to get together before he leaves. I know they just love us and that they care for us, but for me it's just another reminder of what's to come. Then we have all the preperations such as watching as my husband prepares his gear, making sure my vehicle is in tip top shape, poa's, explaining over and over to our kids why they need to make extra time for daddy in the coming days...the list just keeps going on. I just want to forget what's in store for us and live for today. Okay...so the fact of the matter is that it's coming...and coming quickly. Reality is that we joined the army and we knew full well that deployments were a part of it. I accept that and really I'm not complaining and I certainly don't want any sympathy. Things could be so much worse. We are a happy, healthy family and together, with God, we will get through this deployment with dignity, pride, and courage.

Deployments are different for every family. We all face different circumstances. For me, the hardest parts are the weeks leading up to the deployment and the dreaded day itself. I think it's just the unknown of not knowing what the next year will bring. However, once it's underway, the kids and I get into a routine, we keep very busy, and time goes by quickly. I just pray for an uneventful year of God's blessings and comfort for every service member of every branch and all their families who are on this journey.  

Psalm 91...The Protection of the Most High

"The one who lives under the protection of the Most High dwells in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Psalm 91 1-2

I was talking to a friend this morning and got some unsettling news about another friend of ours. It's a personal matter so I'll just say that her family is going through an uncertain situation right now and on top of that her husband is about to deploy. It got me to thinking about how blessed my family is. Sure we're about to be separated for a year, but other than that everything is good. We are all healthy, our finances are manageable, we are not lacking in anything of necessity and we have a great life together. God has certainly blessed us beyond measure. I look around and see friends who are facing various difficult situations in conjunction with this deployment. It's difficult enough to send our soldiers off to war when everything is going right for our families, but to see what some of my friends are facing breaks my heart. Looking at what my family faces for the next year seems like a walk in the park. As much as I would selfishly love to keep my husband home, I know that God has other plans for us and I will continue to praise Him and thank Him in everything, even through this deployment, no matter how trying it may get. He has our best interest at heart and I firmly believe there is a reason for everything that we go through. To my army friends who are facing harder circumstances than I could imagine, don't lose hope. God is with you too. "Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will support you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." Psalm 55:22 Also remember that you have a great support group surrounding you so let God use us, your friends, to help you in any way we can. Us army wives always stick together!